Posted by: noturreality | May 29, 2008

The Bat Hunter

I am The Bat Hunter
Got news for ya knuckleheads, I got a bat in the house.  It’s karma at its finest.  Just last week, I had some conversations about some old SNL skits, one being a bartender who is all jacked up on Quaaludes hallucinates swooping bats.  Obviously, this led to the bat scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which reminded me of two previous house bat incidents during my college years.

Fuck, I absolutely hate sleeping with a bat flying over head – especially when I’m sleeping in my house and not sleeping under stars, or something like that.

Two nights ago the bat arrived in our home, making the upstairs his bat cave.  Last night, he decided to fly around downstairs, making the downstairs his little bat dwelling.  He likes to visit us at 3 or 4 in the morning, which is not cool, swooping over head. Waking my ass up prior to 6:30 am does not fly with me.  My girlfriend kinda thinks I’m hallucinating and that I’m making her think of flying bat sounds, since she has only heard the bat fly over head and has not actually seen the bat.  This is not the case, as I have experienced a bat in the house two previous times (as I have mentioned before) and I have been off all hallucinogens this week.  I’m good to go, dammit.  And no, I’m not going through withdrawals….at least I don’t think I am.  Anyway…

 I know when there is a fucking bat in the house. 

I understand the little guy lost his way and is wanting out. He can’t eat 600 to 1,000 mosquito sized insects in our house, cuz we don’t have 600 to 1,000- mosquito sized insects in our house, they are outside.  So in the meantime, the little bat flies around and bat shits all over the house.  I’ve probably been bitten, the dog probably has been bitten and the girlfriend probably has been bitten and we will all die from bat rabies. 

You know, a half of 1% of bats have rabies, so of course I’ve been bitten by this bat.  I’m more likely to be bit by this bat than winning the lottery.  I bet that the bat has rabies. The damn bat is a half a one percenter and I’m going to die because of it.

Or, I become the hunter and not the hunted.  I have to hunt him before he hunts me.  A friend of mine was hunted by a bat once.  The bat actually attacked him, scratching his neck and back with it’s little bat feet.   DId you know bats eat with their feet?   The fucking bat was trying to eat him!  Fuck, that’s all I need is a bat trying to eat my face while I sleep.

There is only two options…invite Ozzy Ozborn over for dinner or become a bat hunter.  Oz probably can’t make the trip, or won’t make the trip, manly cuz I ant trippn…Thus, I have become The Bat Hunter. 

I am The Bat Hunter.

Tonight the bat goes down.  Tonight I dine in Hell.






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