CALLER: Hey, I have a question for you. Did you hear what Puff Daddy said about Sarah Palin?

GLENN: I believe it’s P. Diddy now. From Rexburg, Idaho, Puff Daddy, you’re so yesterday.

CALLER: I know. Well, I listen to the guy yesterday and I was amazed because first he starts off and says there are I don’t think there’s any black people in Alaska. And then a little bit later he says there ain’t no or there is no black people in Alaska, or crack heads.

GLENN: Hang on just a second. Let’s listen to what he actually said. This is what he actually said. This is P. Diddy.

P. DIDDY: Alaska? Alaska? Alaska, Alaska, come on, man. I don’t even know if there’s any black people in Alaska. If you really think that we’re going to let you win this election with these, like, crazy decisions that you’re making, November 4th, we have to protect our future because John McCain is bugging the [BLEEP] out, okay?

GLENN: That was good political commentary there by Puff Daddy, as they say in Rexburg.

CALLER: I that you was it was amazing because he started off by saying he doesn’t know but all of a sudden he came to a realization there is no. I was just up in Alaska for two months and let me tell you there’s a few of them. And crack heads aplenty.

GLENN: Really?

CALLER: Yeah. I’ve never seen so many homeless people in my life. And I actually was born in Alaska. I love Alaska. It’s a beautiful state.

GLENN: Why does Sarah Palin hate the black crack addict homeless person that you apparently saw in the streets of Alaska? Why does she hate them so much?

CALLER: Because she’s white.

GLENN: All right, good. I’m glad we have it down. You have more of this P. Diddy thing?

DAN: Yeah, the second part he was talking about which was later on in these ramblings, we’ve got to post this whole thing on the Internet because this is amazing stuff, but here it is.

P. DIDDY: What is the reality in Alaska? There’s not even no crack heads in Alaska, no black people. There’s not even no, like

GLENN: Hang on just a second. Is that a good thing to P. Diddy that there are no crack heads? I mean, is it a bad thing that there’s no crack heads?
STU: That means she’s doing a good job?

GLENN: I just wish we had more crack heads in the neighborhood. Honey, what did you think of the last house we saw? I don’t know. I didn’t see a single crackhouse. Where are we going to go for our crack? What does that even mean?

Oh, by the way, Obama’s giving a speech on women and the economy today. But McCain is the one freaking out, seriously. By the way, P. Diddy, I just want to because I know you can’t understand, you know, because there are no black people in Alaska. So Sarah Palin clearly can’t relate to black people because there are no black people. How many black people in Alaska? Done the homework for you. 4.72% of the population. It is below average. It is below average. 4.72% of the population. That’s the population of Alaska. So you were right. There are black people, but it’s just below the national average.

You know, let me just give you comparison here. That’s just below the national average. That would be like if I compare where does P. Diddy live, Stu?

STU: Alpine, New Jersey, Glenn.

GLENN: Alpine, New Jersey. Okay. Oh, my gosh, I just happen to have the stats. What’s the percentage of people that live in Alpine, New Jersey? The place where P. Diddy chose to live, but he had enough money to live anywhere on planet Earth. Percentage of black people living in Alpine New Jersey? 1.51%. So that’s about 33 total black residents, 32 if you don’t count P. Diddy. So apparently Sarah Palin can understand black people a little more than three times better than P. Diddy. Of course, I don’t know how many crack heads they have in Alpine, New Jersey. Let’s just go out on a limb and say maybe at least one.

Let’s go to Dick in Florida. Hello, Dick.

CALLER: Conservative optimist here, Glenn.

GLENN: Yes, sir.

CALLER: I don’t know Mrs. Palin.

GLENN: Yes, thank you for calling her Mrs. Palin and not Ms. Palin like the New York Times has insisted in doing in every article today.

CALLER: No, it’s Mrs.

GLENN: Yes.

CALLER: She’s a married woman.

GLENN: Yes.

CALLER: And I don’t know her, but I do know many women from Alaska, and you did mention earlier it is a little tough up there, you know.

GLENN: The women in Alaska, they could take me. Now, that’s not saying much. The Southern Belles could take me, too. Would you like some sweet tea or I just crack you in the face. So I mean, it’s not really saying a lot, but yes, they are a little tough up in Alaska.

CALLER: Very. And I think these attacks, if I’m not mistaken, and like you said if she doesn’t implode, which I think the chances of that are about 1,000 to 1, maybe 10,000 to 1.

GLENN: I don’t know. We’ll see tonight.

CALLER: I don’t know.

GLENN: Yeah. We’ll see tonight.

CALLER: But my opinion is this will do nothing but strengthen her resolve.

GLENN: You know what, let me tell you something, Dick. I think you’re right because that’s just the kind of person that she is. I mean, she took on a corrupt system in Alaska. I mean, she has stood up to some of the most powerful people in politics and she won. She’s not a wallflower. Now, I think if she gives a speech tonight and she is in control you know you remember that Dan Quayle thing that he had going for him and you’re like, “Oh, boy, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” you just see it in him, woof. If she has that look, she’s done. I’ve spoken to her. I don’t think she’s going to have that look. She’s very, very intelligent. She’s up on it. If she comes out and she can deliver that speech and she can have do you remember the look that Bill Clinton had when he said, “I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky, and I’ve got to go back and do the work of the American people.” When he said that, he had that attitude towards him. And he you’re just like, okay, the guy can’t be lying because, boy, I mean, if you’re lying, that’s sure going to destroy your career. Well, it doesn’t reality doesn’t count when it comes to the Clintons. But it will with Palin. When she comes out tonight, if she addresses and she should if she addresses what’s going on in the media, she needs to do it in two ways. She needs to do it with humor, but she also needs to make it very clear you back off my family. You can say whatever you want about me but you back off my family. You want to have a fight, we’ll fight but let’s fight fair. Let’s fight on the issues. So if she comes out and she has a moment of surgical strength where it is just, you back off my family and maybe follow it with a funny line. She has a moment where she’s endearing and strong at the same time and she doesn’t blow the rest of the speech, this is going to backfire and people are going to it is going to make her stronger.

You know, that’s the thing that the Democrats don’t understand and they really I mean, they’re going to be in for it on this one. Strength is your weakness is your strength.

(OUT 11:42)

GLENN: 888 727 BECK. Let’s go to Bud in New Mexico. Hello, Bud.

CALLER: Hello, Glenn. I’m just wondering what P. Diddy has against black people because in the comment that he says about black people and crack heads, he uses it all in one sentence and it kind of flows together and he sounds like he’s calling black people, all black people crack heads.

GLENN: No, you just did. I don’t think P. Diddy did. Play it back. Stu, did you notice? Did you notice what Bud just did?

STU: Wait. Bud, are you a Democrat?

CALLER: No, I am not.

STU: Okay, then he did say. He did.

GLENN: That’s what I heard. Bud, you may not think so. You may protest all you want, but I think I can see the intent of your heart here and you’re calling all black people crack heads. Here’s P. Diddy and what he said.

P. DIDDY: What is the reality in Alaska? There’s not even no crack heads in Alaska, no black people. There’s not even no like

CALLER: Boy, it sounds like it to me.

GLENN: Of course, Mr. Racist, it sounds like it to you. To the rest of America they know that he was talking about crack heads and then African Americans and then there’s no and then that, also that other one that he didn’t say but we know he was probably talking about, you know, angels that support Barack Obama or something like that.

CALLER: Well, maybe if I start listening to more of his music, I should say any of his music, maybe I would be able to understand him better, right?

GLENN: Yeah. Well, of course you won’t because racists don’t usually own P. Diddy music. Could you play it back again? What does he say, the third one? What is it?

P. DIDDY: What is the reality in Alaska? There’s not even no crack heads in Alaska, no black people, there ain’t even no, like

GLENN: No like what?

P. DIDDY: Crime or, like foreign policies. Y’all may be

GLENN: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Go back. What does he say again? He says there’s no crack heads, no blacks, no crime.

P. DIDDY: Crime or, like, foreign policies.

GLENN: I’m trying to Stu, can you help me out here?

STU: (Laughing).

GLENN: Can you help me?

STU: This is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

P. DIDDY: Crime or, like, foreign policies.

STU: (Laughing).

GLENN: What is he talking about?

STU: There’s no foreign policies in Alaska (laughing).

GLENN: Which brings me right back to crack heads. Can WE go back and listen to this? Okay, there’s two options, two options. One, he’s as dumb as a box of rocks. A second one

STU: Stop. That’s all you need.

GLENN: No, the second one is he’s it’s dawning on him as he gets to the third one how racist he is and then he’s like, uh oh, this isn’t good, let me talk about something else. Now listen, just give that theory a thought, that he’s realizing he’s a racist. Listen to this.

P. DIDDY: There’s not even no crack heads in Alaska

GLENN: Now that’s the first one. Hang on just a second. He said no crack heads in Alaska. And he realizes that he’s already said no blacks in Alaska earlier. So that’s the first thing. You notice that little pause where he’s like, uh oh. That’s when he hears in his head, uh oh, might be a racist. But it doesn’t stop him. Go ahead.

P. DIDDY: In Alaska, no black people, there’s not even no, like

GLENN: This is where he says, oh, no, finish the sentence, come up with something, there’s no

P. DIDDY: Crime or, like, foreign policy.

GLENN: “Oh, foreign policy, let me stop with foreign policy.” Or is he just dumb as a box of rocks?

STU: It’s plausible, although I don’t think

GLENN: Which is more likely? Dumb as a box of rocks or a racist?

STU: It’s got to be dumb as a box of rocks, I think.

GLENN: Over racist?

STU: Yeah, I don’t think he

GLENN: How about dumb racist?

STU: Well, certainly if a white person said it, he would be racist. But

GLENN: And if a white person said it and if a white person said it exactly the way he did, they would be a white racist dummy.

STU: Oh, no doubt about it.

GLENN: Right.

STU: But that’s not the case here, Glenn.

GLENN: Yeah.

STU: As you can see, I think you can kind of see him having absolutely no idea. First of all, the foreign policies is a giveaway. But I love it, think of how giant the question mark is after he says the word “Crime.” Like if you were reading the sentence and you needed to pronounce it the way he’s pronouncing it, how large would you have to make the question mark on the piece of paper to pronounce it like this?

P. DIDDY: Crime?

STU: Crime?

P. DIDDY: Crime?

STU: (Laughing).

GLENN: Amazing.

STU: We should play this video every this is the greatest piece of audio I’ve ever heard. Can we hear the whole thing one more time? Just in context.

GLENN: Hang on. Go ahead.

P. DIDDY: What is the reality in Alaska? What is there’s not even no crack heads in Alaska, no black people. There’s not even no, like… crime or, like, foreign policies. Y’all may be versed on foreign policies. Y’all need to get versed on black policies and youth policies. We’re the future.

GLENN: They need Alaska needs black policies?

DAN: Thought they didn’t have any black people.

GLENN: Could you go back and read the Martin Luther King speech?

STU: Why would you need black policies if you had no black people? That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t think he’s thought this through at all.

VOICE: Why.

VOICE: Oh, come on!

P. DIDDY: Crime?

Plastic bags are made from polyethylene: a thermoplastic derived from oil.

Less than 1% of plastic bags are recycled

It costs $4,000 to process and recycle 1 ton of plastic bags, which can then be sold on the commodities market for $32.

Ocean vessels dump over 8 million pounds of plastic annually.

Over 200 different sea species die due to plastic bags.

By using cloth bags, say we save us from using 6 plastic bags a week = 24 bags a month = 288 bags a year = 22,176 bags in an average life time = if 1 of 5 people in the U.S. did this we would save 1,330,560,000,000 bags over our life time.

So what does this mean…Bangladesh has banned plastic bag usage; China has banned FREE plastic bags; Ireland taxes plastic bag usage which in turn cut 90% of their consumption; Rwanda has banned plastic bag; Isreal, Canada, western India, Botswana, Kenya, South Africa, Taiwan, Singapore have banned plastic bags or are close to banning; San Francisco has banned plastic bags, while Oakland and Boston consider banning the bags.

China will save 37 million barrels of oil each year due to their ban of free plastic bags.

Today marks the last day I use a plastic bag.  It is cloth from here on out.  What will you do? 

Why won’t our political leaders take simple plans such as cutting down the usage of plastic bags in saving the usage of oil barrels?

1. Lyin’ Eyes – Eagles
2. Against the Wind – Bob Seger
3. Billie Jean - Micheal Jackson
4. Little Red Corvette - Prince
5. Alternating Current – Field Music
6. The Past and Pending – The Shins
7. Nothing Better – The Pistol Service
8. Green Eyes – Cold Play
9. Tomorrow – Silver Chair
10. Lets Stay Together – Al Green
11. Today – Smashing Pumpkins
12. Venice Queen – RHCP
13. Wet Sand – RHCP
14. My Party – Kings of Leon
15. Blue Veins – The Raconteurs
16. No Fun – The Black Keys
17. You’re Quite – Brendan Benson & The Welifed Boys
18. Wish You Were Here – Pink Floyd
19. The Face That Launched 1000…. – Deathcab For Cutie
20. Yesterday – The Beatles
21. Mary Jane’s Last Dance – Tom Petty
22. Omaha – County Crows
23. Two Princes – Spin Doctors
24. Black – Pearl Jam
25. Knocked Up – Kings of Leon
26. Undone – Weezer
27. Consequence – Incubus
28. Lady Cab Driver – Prince
29. Wishing Well – Terrance Trent D’ Arby
30. Pistol Grip – The Blakes

Bonus Track: Emblems – Matt Pond PA

Two women were charged with prostitution in Camden County on Thursday after they were arrested in a sting operation at a Lake Ozark hotel last week.

Two other women were also arrested, and three of the women are pregnant. Alexandra Wells and Allysia Waldrop were both charged on Thursday. Waldrop is pregnant, but is not known if Wells is also.

The undercover bust went down at a Lake Ozark area hotel after the sheriff’s department received several reports that pregnant women were advertising prostitution on an internet advertising site.

Today, I strolled down the block around noon to catch two plates of Mexican goodness.  The joint is probably my favorite cuisine in town – and their ant shit to choose from in town, believe me you.  And what exactly does that mean – believe me you?  I once knew a used car salesman, who acted as a major university football coach, and he would say ‘believe me you’ more so than often.  He also wore dress shoes with no socks.

I dinned around eight Jehovah witnesses, though did not strike up conversation about what they have witnessed.  All males in short sleeves, neck ties and pocket pens said enough.

The topic of conversation at the office is the breakfast place across the street, again. The conversation is now going on 2 months.  I banned the shithole two months ago after paying $8 for a small plate of eggs, a patch of harshbrowns and some sliced government cheese melted on top – they called it a mess.  I called it fucking ridiculous.

The other topic of conversation at the office is about the pregnant receptionist, but she does it know it.  She’s ridiculous, but not fucking ridiculous.

On another note, I’ve found myself in another wedding coming up in August.  It just so happens that the tuxes are being ordered through Men’s Wearhouse.  Men’s Wearhouse does not take measurements over the phone.  Men’s Wearhouse can fuckoff!  The closest Men’s Wearhouse is over 100 miles away and I’m not driving 100 miles, with $4 gas, to get measured for a fucking tux.

I’m bitter.     

And by the way….it’s not that kind of grass that I’m growing!  You silly little freaks.

This is the first summer in the new digs and prior to moving in the City ripped up a good chuck of the front yard (something like 6 years ago they did this).  I think it might have been a neighbor’s sewer issue and our yard got the worst of it.  Anyway, there is about 15 ft. x 20 ft. – between the street and the sidewalk – that is, more or less, mud.   

The area is extremely shaded so it would be difficult to grow grass there, or so it appears.  To be honest, I don’t think anyone has attempted to rebuild that area of the lawn.  I know the City hasn’t done a damn thing because half the curb is still missing.  I would have thought that the previous resident would have tried patching the yard back up, but I could be wrong.  Either they tried and failed or they just didn’t give a shit.

Well, I’ll be damned, I give a shit.

For the past two weeks I’ve taken the ‘mud pit’ as a personal challenge.  I’ve doctored up the front (west side) and south side of the house with mulch and lots and lots of plants and flowers.  (Jesus, I’ve really gone domestic – all domesticated and shit – When was the last time I went to Toys-R-Us and Chucky Cheese???  When was the last time I built a fort in the backyard or a command center under the neighbor’s porch???? To freak’n long ago, that’s how long.) Okay… so those areas look great.  But it’s the ‘mud pit’ that draws my attention away from those areas.  It’s an eye sore.  It looks like shit. It looks like poop.

So the challenge is on.  I threw some grass seed on it, barrowed a garden weasel to till up the land (fyi, the weasel is a pretty bad ass garden tool) and started watering….nothing, zero, zilch….besides the neighbor across the street wishing me good luck, so I decided to get mid-evil on its ass. 

I’m pretty sure I can’t over seed the ‘mud pit’. So I purchased a bunch more seed (I think it was like 3 pounds) and I just so happened to come across a bail of straw and some awesome thunder storms. 

BINGO! 

Hell yes, I’m winning this mofo challenge.  I put about ¼ of the bail of straw over the seeded area, keeping the seed from blowing away, as well as keeping the birds from lunching on my seed, and keeping the moisture in.

This morning I noticed lovely little bright green blades of grass, sprouting up through the golden layers of straw, reaching to the heavens, all the while saying hello to me and laughing at my neighbor(s).

  (this is what it looked like before I got mid-evil)

    (this is what my grass will look like after the mid-evil ass beating)

Ha.  I love it.

If you ever wanted to take an extended vacation, say quit your 9 to 5, and follow a century of solitude to its end, this would be the year.  Right now would be the time to do it.  There is no better time than now. Trade in your pink slip for Chicago Cubs tickets and make plans for Wrigley Field in late October.

Yes, this could be the season the Cubs return to the World Series and maybe, just maybe, finally flushing away 100 years of frustration for its fans.

These guys could be the ones, sitting atop the NL Central Division while parading the best record in baseball so for this season.  The last time the Cubs owned the best record in baseball in early June was in 1908, the last time the Cubs won a Championship.

So it’s been a century in the making.  I’m one for big buildups.  The bad ‘karma’ ends in 2008. 

I believe.

I grew up watching the Cubs on WGN.  My grandfather was an early pioneer in the broadcasting of the early Cubs’ games on WGN. The Chicago Cub mystique is engraved in my DNA.

As a kid in the sandlot, I would act the likes of Andrea “The Hawk” Dawson, Ryne Sandberg and Shawn Dunston, and occasionally singing the 7^th inning stretch ‘Take Me Out to The Ballgame’ Harry Caray style. 

I worked one college summer as an engineer at a Cubs affiliate radio station, broadcasting Cubs games to future Cubs fans.

So it’s time to fathom the unfathomable.

I’ll make my first Cubs game of the season next Thursday afternoon when they take on the Atlanta Braves. 

I’ll also be watching the works of dissolving a century’s worth of drought in build up to the grandest celebration of a championship centennial…winning another one.

The Chicago Cubs will be the 2008 World Series Champions of Major League Baseball.

-spoof-

Detriot – General Motors Corp. will eliminate 30,000 jobs and close 9 North American plants, drastically cutting production of the sport utility vehicles and pickups.

In announcing the changes, G.M.’s chairman and chief executive, Rick Wagoner, said $4-a-gallon gas prices had forced a “structural shift” by American consumers away from large vehicles into more fuel-efficient cars and even tennis shoes – according to an insider.

Yes, tennis shoes and/or running shoes.  One insider has said that G.M. is basically declaring the S.U.V. is dead and the production of tennis shoes is the way to go.

G.M. believes oil prices are changing consumer behavior, changing it rapidly, and before it’s too late people will be walking again.  G.M.’s thinking is who wants a 14-mile-per-gallon-soccer-mom-SUV when you can buy a pair of tennis shoes for the price of a gallon of gas and get just as far.

This reporter agrees.

But the 30,000 losing their jobs have a different take.  They plan on buying the new line of G.M. shoes.  They also plan on scaling a foot or two straight up G.M.’s ass, as well as a few oil executives. 

“I’ll give ‘em a structural shift,” said one out-of-job Canadian. ”A ‘structural shift’ right up their ASS’ A!  Their SUV just ran out of gas! Tennis Shoes? They won’t be able to walk after I’m done with ‘em”

Again, this reporter agrees.

101

1.       Why not?

2.       My uncle taught me how to tie my shoes

3.       The last family Christmas involved a vodka tasting

4.       I think the Country is more alive than the City

5.       30 something

6.       I’ve made a lot of baskets

7.       Not in a hurry

8.       Can we walk on that cement

9.       Before we go fishing

10.   After I golf

11.   When was the last time you photographed your surroundings

12.   California

13.   South Dakota

14.   What if’s

15.   Not really

16.   30 Days of Rehab

17.   I really need a vehicle with better gas mileage

18.   Culinary Cat

19.   Dig it

20.   Figuring out happiness

21.   Knowing hurt

22.   Never knew him

23.   Still don’t

24.   Let’s fly a kite

25.   Can you really drift apart when you’re on the water together

26.   Far from Ordinary

27.   Vegemite

28.   Tommy Bahama

29.   Reward yourself

30.   But not with Vegemite

31.   Of course I enjoy the Rain

32.   Jack was a friend

33.   Lush Green over Hard Metallic     

34.   Drinking water – Garden hose

35.   Individualism – TEAM

36.   Where I’m I going with this

37.   Cubs will win the World Series

38.   If local companies shifted 5% of their purchasing power locally there would be a nice backyard economic stimulus

39.   Park your Pleasure

40.   A few bad habits

41.   LEGOs are awesome

42.   Dedicate yourself to something

43.   Hold your applause you might miss something

44.   There’s a bottle in the cave

45.   Find beauty in the detail

46.   McDonald’s malts are made with a mix

47.   I want to paint

48.   Do you have a genius within

49.   Un-contacted civilizations?

50.   Laundry comes and goes

51.   Farmers use $250,000 combines 1 month out of the year

52.   Go puddle jumping

53.   The girl next door isn’t all she is cracked up to be

54.   Neither is the boy

55.   If you stepped in poop use nonstick cooking spray to clean the soles

56.   Wax your wooden windows

57.   Old candles keep fires burning

58.   Why not?

59.   Don’t be a has been

60.   A boy and his dog

61.   I’m not a big fan of beans

62.   A dog and his boy

63.   I love pickles

64.   What you can become you already are

65.   I enjoy RubyRed Grapefruit Juice

66.   And the V8 berry stuff

67.   And Coors Light

68.   I’ve spent far too much time in weddings

69.   Don’t do it very often

70.   Maybe I don’t love her in that capacity

71.   Never understood the concepts of purchasing alcoholic beverages from stations that fuel your vehicle

72.    Fuck it

73.   Touch the Earth

74.   Sometime it’s difficult for me to get out of bed

75.   Should I start over

76.   I hate tuna, it reminds me of cat food

77.   Educate the educated

78.   26 states, 3 continents

79.    L.A. can kill ya

80.   Only child

81.   Not a big fan of swimming in large bodies of water without a nearby coast line

82.   Verbiage from a stone’s throw

83.   Oh shit, writers block

84.   Gotta be a writer first

85.   Build a bar out of old doors

86.   Build them and try not to burn them

87.   Unfortunately it happens

88.   Bridges, not bars

89.   Kiss the Sky

90.   Some steps work, some don’t

91.   Sundogs

92.   Find different ways to say I love you

93.   Accept those different ways

94.   Imagine the sounds of 100 baby chicks

95.   In what direction is your weather vane pointing

96.   What

97.   Live Music

98.   The road less traveled

99.   Will take you everywhere you want to go

100.   And then some

101.   Not Your Reality